Writer and Illustrator
Published in Entropy Magazine, The New Yorker Daily Shouts, Points in Case,
The Belladonna, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Weekly Humorist, Queen Mobs Tea House, Funny-ish, and Otherwheres Magazine.
Also on The Toast and The Hairpin.
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Published Works
MOST RECENT WORK LISTED FIRST
"The week before I got called into my boss’ office, I was given my 6 month review. “You’re doing really good here; you could probably get a job at any other firm with the skills you’ve honed here.”
“What do you mean by ‘any other firm’?”
“Oh nothing, it’s just always good to have your ducks in a row.”
Repeat after me: This is the fifth bad sign."
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A Lot Of Bad Signs, Medium, November 2023, by Marissa Maciel.
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"Bundled Up Pooch Snow Globe: While you look at this snow globe perched on your shelf you’ll realize you could never be as tough as a NYC dog peeing outside in the winter.
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"Congratulations!
You gave birth yesterday.
Now your insurance has ended
This hospital stay!"
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"Dr. Seuss's Oh! The Places You'll Go With A Newborn!" The Belladonna, May 2023, Illustrated by Marissa Maciel, written by Rochelle Fisher.
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"Beware of the dog... empty cardboard box!"
"Beware of the dog... confident bird!"
"Beware of the dog... personal space!"
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"Beware of the Dog... Signs with Context," The Belladonna, February 2023. Illustrated by Marissa Maciel, written by Anna Pook & Marissa Maciel.
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"...and when you listen to it, you can see the muppets in your mind singing these songs, and you get the second magical gift from this album — aside from the pure joy and magic of the entire premise. That gift is the complete absence of perfected and auto-tuned engineered fanaticism on every song."
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"The Muppets & John Denver Made Christmas Magic," Medium, December 2022.
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"A Mini Gandalf," "Portcullis," Fertility CAPTCHA," and more!
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"Foolproof Alternatives to Banned Birth Control," McSweeney's Internet Tendency, July 2022, Illustrated by Marissa Maciel, written by Jenn Knott and Anna Pook.
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"The Babysitter," "The Comedy-Club Booker," "The One-Upper" and more conversational disasters to look out for.
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"Some Conversation Killers," The New Yorker, April 2022, illustrated by Marissa Maciel and written in collaboration with Fiona Taylor.
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"This dapper gentleman is pure icy class... He’s emanating peak-Colin-Firth energy. Unfortunately, it’s also thermal energy, which will cause him to melt halfway through the second date."
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"Six Snowmen Who Will Melt Your Heart, and Then Themselves," Weekly Humorist, January 2022, illustrated by Marissa Maciel and written by Gwen Coburn.
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"Candy Cigarettes: A great treat for kids who are too young to smoke, but still want to look cool. The candy cigarette paved the way for the invention of candy chewing tobacco, and candy nicotine patches. These are hard to find nowadays – tobacco companies want kids to vape, anyway!"
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"Little-Known Backstories of Misunderstood Halloween Candies," Weekly Humorist, October 2021, illustrated by Marissa Maciel and written in collaboration with Julie Vick. A BEST OF 2021 for The Weekly Humorist!
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"I admire your stoic reaction to the weather!"
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"You have park-facing views, and no rent!"
"You get to stand next to a HORSE, and I went through a HORSE-GIRL phase. So, we have that in common!"
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"Reasons Why You, The Statue Of A Lady In The Park, Are My New Best Friend," The Belladonna's, September 2021, illustrated by Marissa Maciel and written with Rachel Mans McKenny.
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"Place a houseplant on a trapdoor with a sign that reads, “Can you identify this plant for me?” "
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"Send the Virgo a phishing email with the subject line, “A Polite Person Wants To Talk About Books and/or Television With You.” "
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"Invite the Virgo to a fake seminar titled, “Ways to Clean Everything Using Only Vinegar, Baking Soda, and The Power of Your Mind.” "
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"Booby Traps Specifically For Virgos," The Belladonna's, September 2021.
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"If you give a kid a free lunch, he’s going to want free textbooks at school.
If he gets free textbooks, he’ll want a college education free from tuition debt.
When he gets free college tuition, he’ll graduate — on time — with a great education."
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"If You Give A Kid A Free Lunch..." September, 2021.
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"The Rent Is Due Stew"
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"Five Hour Take A Walk To Relax Pot Roast"
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"Wave To Your Neighbor Through Your Window Charcuterie"
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“Maybe I could hire her to teach my children how to paint?”
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“How does she find the time to make art and take care of her father?”
“She’s always hanging out with the popes. When is she going to finally get a husband?”
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"For less-confident authors too scared to have a professional photographer throwing giant blades of steel around their heads, while they just have to sit still and look at the camera, we recommend not becoming a published author yet."
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"Your Author Photo Session With The Knife-Juggling Photographer," Medium, July 2021.
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"You’ve been evicted for non-payment of rent,” he says. He tosses a big woven basket on the trail – the one you spent half a paycheck on after seeing it on Instagram. Maybe he’ll take the basket instead of the rent? “I already have twenty baskets like that,” he says as he shows you an Instagram post of him with his array of baskets. It has fifty million likes.
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"Pandemic Dreaming," Robot Butt, July 2021.
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"When I’m confronted with all the ways this song [I Think I Love You, by The Partridge Family] works, I look at the art I’ve made in my life and think, can I do that? Just once I would like the gift of an idea that can bridge genius with universality. Surely that can’t be too much to ask."
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"Variations on a Theme: How a 50 Year Old Song Broke My Brain," Entropy Magazine, June 2021.
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"Help! My mom IGNORED My MEOWING... and now I CAN'T SHUT UP!" Advice from Miss Hiss
10 Tricks to Make Your Human Believe The House Is Haunted!
"Doors Are A Construct!" One BRAVE CAT'S Journey to Embracing a Fluid Indoor/Outdoor Identity!
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"List: Suggested Articles for Cats" Points In Case, April 2021. Written by Marissa Maciel and Meghan O'Neill.
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#11: A Hand-Basket to go to Hell in.
#10: Easter Basket.
#9: Keister Basket...
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"Baskets, Ranked" Weekly Humorist, January 2021. Illustrated by Marissa Maciel, written by Joseph Thomas.
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Sure I saw reports about the famine on television and Twitter, plus you know the whole “refugees camped outside” situation — but I figured people were just suffering because they weren’t billionaires with a compound, like me.
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"Some regrets I have about my apocalypse compound." Medium.com, January 2021.
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Giving them a bottle of brandy is festive and will make you look sophisticated. Do you want them to think of you as a sophisticate? A snob. You probably drink brandy at home while wearing a corduroy blazer with suede elbow patches!
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"Holiday Cheers!" Medium.com, December 2020.
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If someone interrupts you, look inside their soul. Tell everyone what darkest fears this offending person holds in his heart. “Michael is afraid to die alone.” Brush your hair through your fingers, and continue where you left off.
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"How to Stop Being Interrupted," Medium.com, November 2020.
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If Ina Garten were your best friend, she’d always ask you if the collar on her shirts were popped up properly. You’d always twiddle with the collar, even if it was fine, just to make sure she knew that you knew how seriously she took her collar game.
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"If Ina Garten Were Your Best Friend." Medium.com, November 2020.
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We Actually Hate Houseguests. Mermaids are Sexed-Up Manatees. Shoot for the Moon or Die in the Vacuum of Space.
"Intentionally Uninspiring Throw Pillows." Weekly Humorist, August 2020. Illustrated by Marissa Maciel, written by Jenn Knott.
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[BOOM BOOM]
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“U-S-A! U-S-A!”
[BOOM]
“Do you ever wonder what would happen if everyone got sick all at once, though?
[BOOM]
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"Audio from the 2019 Fourth of July Fireworks Show." Points in Case, July 2020.
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I’m telling the audience, “I can’t believe this! Wasn’t her husband killed just last week by the murderer? The murderer who is killing everyone Jenny knows, one-by-one? The murderer they suspect to be working at a hamburger restaurant in this very town?” All with my burger! Because they didn’t want to give me any lines!
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"Eating for the Stage and Screen." Points In Case, April 2020.
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Maternity Caftans! Pregnancy-approved Cocktails! and MORE
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"Targeted Ads for Pregnant People." New Yorker, Daily Shouts. November 2019. Illustrated by Marissa Maciel and Emily Flake.
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Fall is the most fickle season.
If you start getting excited too soon you’re going to end up scaring it and then summer will have to fill in.
FUCKING SUMMER.
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"Don't Scare Away Fall." Funny-ish, October 2019.
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From your United States President is a Woman Universe
Newspaper clippings talking about how much money teachers and nurses make in America now. The stories are compelling, but it’s also amazing that they’re on real, actual newsprint.
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"Welcome to Other You: Box Subscriptions From the Multiverse," Points In Case, August 2019. Written by Marissa Maciel and Emily Schleiger.
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As our newest team member who is a woman or a minority, we will always challenge you to prove that you belong here with us. It’s one of the great ways we keep our team strong!
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"Help Wanted: Diversity Hire," Funny-ish, July 2019. Written by Marissa Maciel and Emily Schleiger.
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Can I explain?
Here’s what we’re gonna do!
Marissa, don’t miss your chance
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Not gonna lie, it can be pretty awesome being, well, me! But lately, things have started getting... weird.
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"A Very Special Message From a Unicorn," Medium.com, December 2018.
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Let’s see from a show of hands how many of you read a book or watched a show about breastfeeding, or talked to a friend or family member who nursed their child? That's great! Now put up your other hand. You’re showing me the international symbol of surrender. That’s exactly what you’re going to be doing for the rest of your breastfeeding life.
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"Welcome to Breastfeeding Class, Surrender All Hope." McSweeney's Internet Tendency, October 2018.
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Akhil is hoping for a place with good views of the city to inspire his art. “My work is really centered on the concept of ‘phenomena.’ Like making things move and having people wonder ‘What the fuck, did that thing just move on its own?!’ That sort of aesthetic.”
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"House Haunters: HGTV's New Spooky Halloween Show." Points In Case, October 2018.
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How many humid and hot places can I venture to, to share the good news, while looking absolutely stunning in the Pro Filt’r Soft Matte Long Wear foundation? It’s the most sweat-proof foundation ever!
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"Jesus Said I Need Fenty Beauty." The Belladonna Comedy, June 2018.
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White Glue “Foot Peel”
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“Budget Skin Care.” The Belladonna Comedy, March 2018.
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A button that opens a trapdoor under a co-worker who inquires if you’re going to come back to work after you have the baby.
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"Desk Buttons We'd Like To See." The New Yorker, Daily Shouts, December 2017.
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And there’s NEW Maria, meeting her interviewer again, but this time she’s HIRED! All because of Pureness!
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"Pitch Meeting for Pureness Body Wash (#DoveAd)." The Belladonna Comedy, October 2017.
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Kids, if anyone tries to tell you one weird trick to banish belly fat, just ignore them.
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"Things Millennial Grandparents Will Say." The New Yorker, Daily Shouts, August 2017.
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What kinds of owners are successfully buying used Vanagons?
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"For Sale: A Deeper, More Meaningful Life. Also, a 1984 Vanagon." The Belladonna Comedy, June 2017.
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What kind of behavior are you seeing at the Town Hall?
A. People feeling upset, nervous, and angry.
B. Big arm gestures. Exaggerated movements. Men holding their suspenders while talking. People bowing after they ask their questions.
C. Far too much fading in-and-out of the material world. Levitating.
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Bisexuality – Hot In Movies; Is it Hot IRL? A Poll
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I lived it: My neighbors paid me to watch their house, and I never left
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"Essays in the Age of Demagogues." Queen Mob's Tea House, June 2016.
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Her doctor said that thumb-sucking is the e-cigarette for babies weaning off of the breast, so we’re fine with it.
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"Totally Appropriate Responses to Unsolicited Parenting Advice." The Toast, March 2016.
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You can not find a good telephone in New Hampshire.
Where can you get a good cup of coffee in Arizona? You can’t.
There is no place to get a good colonic in Nebraska.
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"No Good Bagels Here." McSweeney's Internet Tendency, December 2015.
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Sit on chairs, or the floor. Sure, if someone invites you to sit on a countertop or table, go for it – but if it’s warm, refrain from basking.
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The bride is a children’s librarian; the groom restores and repairs books.
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"Better Wedding Announcements, Part II." The Toast, September 2015.
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A breastfeeding support group that is also a formula-feeding support group, because all it needs to be about is a community of parents who will support each other.
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"Feminist Postpartum Vignettes." The Toast, February 2015.
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I pictured that man in their large bed, sleeping peacefully this one night – The Snorer wasn’t there. His tired body enjoying the quiet and comfort of solitude. He wasn’t going to wake up for anything.
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"Snoring Through Midnight: Nights at the Sleep Clinic." Personal Essay.The Toast, February 2015.
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When I came through that first pregnancy — after a traumatic birth experience — I promised myself that if I ever got pregnant again, it would be different.
Apparently, those were fighting words.
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"On Pregnancy, Anxiety, and the Celeb Bump Watch." Personal Essay.The Toast, October 2014.
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If for some reason you can’t make it to the park, well, please know we feel a loss without you there. Please return as soon as possible. Or send someone in your place. Or maybe just have one of those grocery store delivery people come and rip open a bag of potato chips for us; there’d be no harm in that.
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"Only You Can Help: A Duck Scam." The Toast, April 2014.
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So your boat is broken down and you have to ask for help and then what? You’re going to have to wait and not sink in the water, that’s what. You don’t have to worry about sinking when you get a flat tire.
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"Advice for Parents Who Want to Sail With Their Kids." The Toast, April 2014.
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Hot, sexy Paleo people with stunning Paleo chiseled abs and upper-leg cleavage. Tons of thick, Paleo hair piled on their thick, Paleo skulls. Paleo women had gorgeous breasts ready to feed strong Paleo babies, and Paleo men had no penis problems ever.
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"Hot Paleo People." The Hairpin, February 2014.
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Refrigerator: How much milk do you need, Kimberly?
Kimberly: Like, 2 cups.
Refrigerator: You have 1 and one-half cups of milk, only.
Kimberly: Why didn’t you just say that…
Refrigerator: You’re welcome!
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"The Kitchen of Tomorrow." The Hairpin, January 2014.
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This is my body. I work veryhard for it. I sleep every night, eat regularly, lift weights and my 43-pound child, walk a lot, jog when I can, and shower daily. This is my body. What’s your excuse for not having my body?
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"What's Your Excuse for Not Having My Body?" The Hairpin, October 2013.
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The brides are both Olympic athletes. Helen set records in the shot put; Greta in the javelin. The bouquet toss will be held outside the reception hall in a nearby soccer field.
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"Better Wedding Announcements." The Toast, July 2013.
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Cars and trucks inched past in the traffic, drivers and passengers practicing their un-intrusive stares while she sat in her car on the shoulder, oily smoke wafting up from under the hood. A child in the back seat of a station wagon flipped her off with one hand, while picking his nose with the other.
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"Five Allegories for Apathy." The Hairpin, April 2013.
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White wine will hide your tennis shoes under the sofa (red wine always makes sure you put them right by your coat closet), and makes you wear those high-maintenance suede ankle boots to work. It will also hide your comfortable underwear and slippers.
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